I have lived a quarter of a century and probably over a quarter of my life. How do I feel about that? Here’s the answer…
As a little kid I was one of those big dreamers. I was pretty sure I was going to be a director if I wasn’t an actor. I loved setting up camera angles, talking about costumes and casting, and loved watching massive projects come together. And I would be an interpreter for the UN; I loved languages and was constantly learning vocabulary words for new languages (which I would unfortunately always forget as I rushed on to a new language and new words just a short time later). And my heart was dead set on being a writer. I was constantly filling up note books and flash drives with novels and spent hours with friends creating worlds and adventures. But I was going to be a runner too, I wasn’t fast and pretty convinced that I would never be anything better than painfully mediocre but that didn’t stop me from visualizing great races and breaking through the finish line. Forget being a runner, I was going to be a superhero! And here is one of my nerdier but also one of my oldest dreams: I was going to go to a really awesome college. I think it was the fact that some of my earliest memories are of the times when my parents were in college, there was something a bit glamorized about it for me–a life of friendship and constant fun with the prestige of academia was something I was looking forward to since age three (no, I am really not kidding). And of course, I wanted to travel the world and have adventures in the great wide somewhere.
Fast forward from childhood (wherever you chose to define that) to adulthood (I’m calling myself an adult at 23 because I feel like that’s when three year old me would call me an adult). I guess it takes a while to realize that you are actually all grown up.
I was at one of my best friend’s houses. We had known each other since we were little so when we get together it feels like we are children still. We eat copious amounts of sugar, laugh hard, and make up grand stories about grand adventures. I remember it so clearly, washing my hands in the bathroom of her house and then looking up at the mirror and getting startled. Little Me looked up and realized that I had some how grown up.
So I took a moment to look Little Me back in the eyes.
Dear Little Me,
I just wanted to tell you that you have seen the world. You come from a poor, loving family but the fairy tales were right. If you work hard and keep smiling you can save up and see the world. You had fallen in love with Rome long before you went there but it was even more beautiful in real life with it’s cobblestone streets and beautiful marble fountains, with chaotically colorful churches and rich wine. And you finished college. That was one of the oldest dreams, wasn’t it? You made beautiful friends who you will love and cherish forever and the university you went to even had that air of prestige and academia you always wanted.
And little me… the best part is that you are still a dreamer. You are studying languages every day because you still want to interpret and you still work on all your novels. You are more fit than you have ever been. And now you know you are beautiful, not in the superficial outer way but you have worked at what matters to you till you know you are beautiful inside. You are beautiful to yourself and you know that you are beautiful to God no matter what you do.
There are have been moments in the past when I looked at the 13 year old olympians, 16 year old actors, or even singers who are my age and wonder what the heck I did with the last two decades, but in that moment facing the mirror I knew. Little Me had dreamed big dreams and had chased the ones that mattered. I knew I had made countless mistakes in the past but I am grateful to all who loved me and brought me to this point. To the point where I look at myself in the mirror and realize:
I am who I had wanted to become.
So what do I do now? Turning twenty-five, that’s pretty exciting. What are you going to do with the next twenty-five years?
I will keep dreaming big dreams and chase the ones that matter. As I look at the mirror today, I know that someday I will look at it again and have to face who I have become. Perhaps 50 year old me or 75 year old me or 100 year old me will look and that mirror and think of that starry eyed 25 year old me and have to tell 25 year old me what I did with the time I have had since. And I praise God for every moment in between because I intend to use every moment to make something beautiful.